Bellieve In Myself: The Journey of Belle

While chatting with my carpool buddy on the drive home the other night I suddenly announced “I know why I can’t lose weight!”  She looked at me and said, “okay, why?”  My response had me thanking the higher beings that I was driving; “Because I’ll get cold”, I got “the” look and a “huh?” so I repeated myself, “I’ll get cold, you know, whales and walrus’s have blubber to keep them warm; I NEED my blubber!”  tee hee

If she could have smacked me she would have.  Instead I got” JENNIFER!  WTF is wrong with you?”  ” Come on,” I said, “that was some funny shit right there.”

Yes, she agreed it was funny but I still have problems…how right she is.

My current weight is 299 lbs.  The heaviest I’ve ever been, even when I was pregnant.

I haven’t always struggled with my weight; it started a little before I went to college.  I used to be a Barbie clone.  In fact, while I was in elementary school, the boys would call me Barbie.

I had big boobs (thanks mom), a tiny waist and a nice round butt.  Yes, as a matter of fact, I did get a lot of attention; all the wrong kind.  The girls hated me, the boys were intimidated by me.  So friends were scarce.  For the ones that were able to see the shy, scared girl behind the body, I was grateful.

Being thin and pretty doesn’t earn you a free pass from bullies, I was 12 years old AND the new girl in town; my brother was in high school and I was all alone to fend for myself in a new town and a new school.  I was SCARED SHITLESS!

Boys were always easier to talk to so I made some friends and instantly became “the slut”  YUP, there’s a reputation you can be proud of.

It followed me to high school.  Didn’t matter that I was still a virgin, I was the bitch with all the guy friends so I HAD to be giving them something.

I started putting on a few pounds near the end of high school; I had a job and access to a car so of course I didn’t want a healthy lunch, I wanted to be cool and eat fast food like everyone else.  College was a smorgasbord!  There was a McD’s across the street, a Burger King just up the road, Swiss Chalet across the other street and another delicious option just around the corner.  Not to mention the cafeteria crammed with chips and cookies and pastries.  I only went to college for one year but I was hooked on crappy food and the love affair continues to this day.

My favorite is Wendy’s; I always have the intention of having the salad, but Baconator has somehow replaced salad in my vocabulary.  Wait!  I know!  My next tattoo can say, “I’ll have the salad please” and instead of having to speak my order I can just point to my tattoo….Yeah, I don’t think it’ll work either.  I’ll get to the artist and say Baconator instead of salad and it’ll be all bad from there.

Oh holy crap!  You know what I just realized??  Way back at the beginning of this I actually stated my weight.  Yup I did.  Scroll up, WAY UP, (is anyone else having a Friendly Giant flashback?) there it is in black and white, or purple and white actually (it’s pretty!) I weigh TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE POUNDS!  HOLY FUCK HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!?  Who sabotaged my body?  At 5’6″ I look like Jabba the Hut!  But I wanna look like Leia, Carrie Fisher, you ROCKED that gold bikini!  And still look incredible, shame on you haters.

Oh crap, I know EXACTLY who sabotaged my body; me!  I LIKE food.  I eat when I’m happy, more when I’m bored and when I’m sad.  Usually when I’m sad I don’t eat, then I remember that I haven’t eaten and end up cramming everything that isn’t nailed down into my mouth.

The problem is that it’s all crappy food.  If it was healthy, good for me food, it wouldn’t be a problem.  Here’s the thing though, healthy food doesn’t taste like a pint of your favorite ice cream, it doesn’t give you that same comfort.  Now, if someone could brainwash me into thinking that it does, I’d be forever grateful and probably a comfortable size 10.

That said, my goal (NOT resolution) for 2016 is to eat healthier food.  It’s not going to be easy, and there WILL be setbacks.  But with the help of my best girls I have determination to at least try.  I will get off my big beautiful butt twice a week to start and actually put in a solid 30 minutes of exercise.