WHY CHEESECAKE IS GOOD FOR MY SOUL BUT NOT FOR MY ASS AND OTHER DICHOTOMIES OF THE CHUB LIFE.
I did not choose the chub life. The chub life chose me.
I did not invent cheesecake nor I am in anyway directly involved in the tiny little orgasms of flavour lust that burst in my mouth when I
eat it. That’s just how it is.
To Cheesecake or NOT to
cheesecake….. that is the question.
When TO CHEESECAKE:
1. It will be on a coffee date or dinner date with a companion who inspires desires. The cheesecake bliss is for a stud….not a dud.
2. Sister Day. (both biologique and non-biologique) Sisters are worthy of cheesecake celebration. So celebrate. Show those crazy bitches they are worthy of the calories.
3. Festive/Special Occasions. Weddings, birthdays (especially yours) and the entire month of December. Definitely okay to cheesecake.
4. Any all you can eat buffet just because it’s Wednesday???? There is no dignified or proper way to eat at a buffet in the chub life. If you find yourself there….just enjoy. Tomorrow is another day.
When NOT TO CHEESECAKE:
1. After you’ve already had a piece.
(at this point it becomes important to indicate precisely what exactly qualifies as one piece. A single serving of cheesecake is an eighth or a sixteenth of the whole. A quartered, halfed or an uncut cheesecake does NOT count as ONE PIECE, it may be necessary to include a disclaimer that one dessert and NOT one of each different kind of dessert is also applicable to this scenario)
Substitute whatever sinful culinary desires that overwhelm you in place of cheesecake.
If simple portion control adjustments seem insurmountable and you are finding that you must indulge for every single one of your Facebook friends celebrating a birthday, you begin celebrating every holiday from cultures and countries around the world you wouldn’t even visit and/or declare every Wednesday a festive occasion as a method to rationalize the indulgences, the problem is too big for you to tackle alone. Get into some support group, a 12 step or just a gang of girdles that love you. Having an out loud voice of reason to talk to will help in times when your voice of reason has fallen into a cheesecake coma.
It is important to remember that however much we may love the cheesecake, the cheesecake is only using us for the cheap rent on our ass. Like all relationships, we must make sure we are not just another booty call. Respect yourself enough to say NO when necessary.
Before and After